There's a purpose for every Kevin

...and a time to tell him to fuck off

Pretty much every day of my life I have done some amount of negotiation with a persistent sense of inadequacy. Inadequacy for *what*, specifically, isn't really the point, it's just inadequecy in general. It's as normal to me and as familiar as breathing, or like, having arms.

I've done so much work in the past to understand it or find the underlying causes of it. I had a pretty difficult childhood, so it’s not rocket science why I might have picked up a negative voice in my head. I've studied it, I've stuffed it, I've hated it, I've felt ashamed, I've rejected it, I've pushed it away, and I've lied about it. I've shared parts of it with friends without revealing it's continual and pervassive presence in my life. I've learned to say the right words, in the right ways, to the right people to make it seem like I've eliminated it. But I haven’t. It's always there, like a pet skunk you don't want to piss off.

Move slowly away, do not look it in the eye. Throw treats. Don't react.

Talking about my little secret inadequacy friend, let's call him “Kevin” for the purposes of this conversation, feels dangerous. Kevin specifically likes to be a SECRET shame. But I'm going to do it anyway because in recent times, after a lifetime of trying everything else, I have begun to understand and even appreciate some things about Kevin and his role in my life that cause me to see him in a different way, and also because I know, without a doubt, that I'm not the only one with a secret closet skunk.

So here's what I've learned.

First of all, I have come to a realization that it doesn't matter why I have Kevin.

Throughout our lives, we experience millions of difficult, dynamic, and poignant moments. There's intrigue, excitement, crushing heartache, love, fear, loss, and lessons. The people charged to usher us to adulthood are riding the wild rollercoasters of their own lives, with crazy Kevins of their own, weilding questionable information gleaned from other flawed people, who were also on their personal journeys of emotion and experience. It's remarkable any of us figure out how to live functional lives through all the chaos and weird programing, but somehow, most of us do.

We are resillient but we carry scars that sometimes imbed themselves in our psyche.

My journey trying to find out precisely why I have my particular Kevin really became just empty attempts to find someone to blame for me having him. Maybe it helps some people to understand who's to blame, but for me, it has never made him disappear or made me feel empowered.

Secondly, I've learned that Kevin is a big fat liar.

Whereas it is true that I am inadequate for many things, like building rockets, gathering children, brain surgery, knitting, or calculus, I am super adequate for other things, like painting, making lasagne, inspiring hope, raising chickens, standing up for what's right, weed-whacking, and lots more.

So even though I see Kevin every day, these days I'm not as compelled by his unpleasant demeanor, because I know he's essentially full of shit. Also my past inadequacies do not equal my current or future capabilites. He lies about that, too. He is an unreliable narrarator.

Thirdly, I've learned that it doesn't help to try to hide or stuff Kevin in a closet. Yes, he really likes to be secretive, so he can control and demean me more effectively, like an abuser. But hiding a secret Kevin takes away my power and gives double to him. When I tell you about Kevin, I can own my part in this stinky relationship, I can take back my power, and I can give others permission to stop hiding their Kevins.

Lastly, I've come to understand that there is a purpose for Kevin, and it's not exactly what I used to think it was. For a long time, I thought maybe I had this mean skunk in my head because I'm just an inherently inadequate and ridiculous person that should rightly feel bad about myself. But like so many things that persist in our lives, Kevin holds a deeper lesson for me.

Kevin is a lesson about duality and contrast, and having contrast is necessary for knowing what we don't want to create. We live in a world of opposites. We have no knowledge of good without bad, Yin without Yang, lightness without darkness and we don't know what we actually want without understanding what we don't want.

Recently, I went to see Eckhart Tolle in Seattle, and something he said perfectly reminded me why having contrast is so important, and why life is full of duality.

He talked about how our essence is that of a creator, and we are always creating the next best thing that we envision. We live in a sort of mass illusion that says to us, “if I get this (future) thing, then I will be happy.” So we long for, and strive for, and work to get the thing, and then we're happy. For like three and a half seconds.

Then, we start feeling unsatisfied again (contrast) and begin thinking and longing about something else we want to do, be, or have. Our mind is tireless at envisioning other (future) elements that will complete this picture in our head entitled "happiness". But of course, it’s an illusion (i.e questionable information passed onto us by others.) The happiness we truly seek to feel, and the essence of Who We Really Are, is found by being the creator we already are, in this continuous now moment. It doesn’t lie in any actual specific creation or series of creations in the future, nor is unhappiness caused by any failure or series of failures in the past.

He said the most unhappy people he’s ever met are people that had achieved the most… all the fame, all the wealth, all the awards, and all the finest things, only to realize that they still were eluded by the magic ingredients to make them happy. They were scared because they believed, as most of us do, in the illusion that happiness is created in the end acheivment of things, and they had already achieved everything. It turns out, the path to happiness in not a path at all. It’s a revelation of understanding, that we allow to wash over us, about who we really are, and who we are really not.

So, Kevin is my “not”. The yin to my yang, the darkness to my light. He is always there to tell me what I'm not. You are not adequate.

You can not do this.

You do not deserve this.

You are not enough.

And who am I, really? I'm the one who has learned to see these lies for what they are, and can say, fuck you, Kevin. And thank you for showing me who I'm not.

Without Kevin, I don't think I would know what I really want as clearly as I do. Without his tired, withering assements of my unworthiness and inadequecy, I'm not sure I would have fought for reasons to find, appreciate, and know myself. I mean, I have days where I don't feel as strong in my knowing. But because of Kevin, I have found an enduring love and trust for myself, even through my bumbling and dorky humanness, that always returns me to center.

Although this is my personal lesson in contrast, I think this really applies to the duality we see playing out right now in the world.

Darkness and doom catalyzes us to decide what kind of light we really want to be.

Callousness and cruelty challenges us to stand up with fierce love for ourselves and our neighbors.

Lies and manipulation causes us to strive to create a truthful, fair, ethical, and just world.

I think we are ready. And I will proudly say, on behalf of the world,

Fuck you, Kevin.

❤️